Our Walmart Life - Beware The Aisles of the Living Dead

 Written By Ken Hulsey

As most of you already know, Terri and I are from different parts of the country. I hail from California, with short stints in Texas and New Mexico, but I lived most of my life there. Terri is from Texas, but being part of a military family, she lived all over the place, ranging from Germany to New Jersey. She actually spent most of her life in North Carolina. The fact that we both have lived in vastly different parts of our great country, each with different kinds of people, all with different foibles and different ways of doing this thing called life. Despite all of these different experiences under our belts, none of it prepared us for life in the South. 

When it comes to shopping at Walmart, each region of the country offers a unique experience. We all experienced the joy of observing our fellow shoppers while trying to navigate through the aisles in search of Doritos and toilet paper. We have all stared in wonder at the strange and inappropriate attire our fellow shoppers wear in this public space as they go about their own shopping rituals. Alas, we have been subjected to enough butts, bellies, and boobs (male and female ... IYKYK) to last a lifetime. We have all gazed upon a museum full of bizarre tattoos illustrated by artists with artistic talents that range from modern-day Monets to what can be described as an image created by an eight-year-old with a crayon in his teeth. Always do your research before you allow someone to tattoo a Harley Davidson logo on your neck, my friends. 

Now, the Walmart shopping experience in California was rather unique. Shoppers in the Golden State tend to be rather focused and angry individuals. It's a first-come, dog-eat-dog, survival-of-the-fittest environment. Shoppers are on a mission. The strongest and the fastest individuals earn the honor of taking home the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese at the end of the day. When you hit the doors of your local Walmart, you better bring your A game. It's all about focus. The rules are simple: stay out of other people's way, don't make eye contact, and under no circumstances speak to anyone. If everyone plays by the rules, there will be no issues. Unfortunately, as we know, people don't always follow the rules, and there is trouble from time to time. There is no need to get into any of that now. If you want to look up the police reports later on your own free time, you can do that. 

Understanding all of that, you may see where my wife and I have had a little trouble adjusting to our Walmart Life here in Louisiana. We were surprised to find out that shopping at Wally World here is the exact polar opposite of what we had become accustomed to. Unlike the fast and focused shoppers we had been dealing with, we now had to learn to navigate around slow and very unfocused individuals. The typical shopper that we encounter just kind of shuffles around, looking around as if they are lost in some sort of Oz. Now, we all know these people frequent the place at least weekly like the rest of us, yet they act like they have never been to the store before and have no idea where things are. They stop from time to time to look at objects, like batteries and bug spray, and gaze upon them with a childlike wonder as if staring at some mystical amulet wondering what it is and what it does.

We have observed that if left alone, these shoppers will continue on harmlessly in this behavior ... unless they wonder into the proximity of a relative or someone they know. Then suddenly, they will come out of their trance and begin to engage in what can only be described as southern banter. "How's your momma? I ain't seen a sight of her in a spell." Then there is a response about how momma is doing, then they ask about the other people's mommas. This goes on for an exceedingly long time. Of course, it's not the conversation that is the real problem here, it's the location. Generally these imprompto family reunions take place about halfway down the busiest aisle in the store. It's a roadblock that is impossible to get around. If only only the Great Wall of China had been such an effective barrier. You quickly learn that you have no choice but to turn around and try to access the aisle from the other side. It is the only way to get on with your shopping expedition and preserve your sanity. 

Here is is another important trick that Terri and I have learned: try not to get too close, or make eye contact with your fellow shoppers here in the south. It is imaportant to remember that if someone is inclined to break the first commandment of Walmart shopping with a friend or relative they are also inclined to brek it with you. In other words, they will try to engage in a session of southern banter with you. Oh yes, people will talk to you down here. They honestly can't help themselves. They will try to lure you in with something that seems harmless enough. "Sure is hot today" or "They sure have lots of kinds of barbeque sauces don't they." Now you don't want to be rude so you kinda have to say something. Trust me here, say something benign and get a move on or you will find yourelf trapped by this person for at least ten minutes. Recently, we found ourselves trapped in a conversation about fish oil supliments with a gentleman for about twenty minutes. It was totally our fault, we broke the rules and tried to help hime pick something out. It was a real rookie mistake. Picking out the right bottle of pills just wasn't enough, there had to be conversation about where the man was from and long explanation of his medical history. Terri and I wanted to move on, we honestly tried, but somehow there becomes this sort of southern social force field that builds up that won't let you escape until the person encageing in the conversation is completely done. Inside you want to flee, but you can't move past this invisible barrier. You just have to except the fact that you are trapped and wait it out. That's why I can't express how important it is to avoid this trap at all costs. 

Now, knowing all of this, imagine what it is like for a couple like us from the west to try and engage in a southern Walmart shopping expedition. You hit the doors running, focused on the items that you need to auire. You burst in and try to make a bee line to the first item on your list only to be confronted by the slow meandering aisle zombies that inhabit the store. You try to go around them, but as you try to pivot right, they wander to the right. You try to go left and they wander left in response to your movement. All you can do is slow yourself down to a crawl and shuffle behind them until shomething shiny or possibly a display of cajun seasoning gets their attention and you can make a break for it. You think you are in the clear, you turn doen the first aisle, gasp, family reunion. You try the next one, ugh, family reunion. You try a third, wew, just a couple of people mindlessly staring at loaves of bread. Tred cautiously. Oh no: "They sure got lot's of bread." "They sure do." move quickly on. Now at the end of the aisle you pan right. Three zombies and a family reunion. Pan left. Just a mom yelling at her kids. You can do this, you tell yourself. All your years of training have been leading to this moment. Pysc yourself out. It's the kind of thing that tries mans souls. But this expedition has to reach the coffee aisle, lives depend on it.

You make it through, you have your goods. Now all you have to do is get to the selfcheckout and you are home free ... but unfortunately, the zombies are there waiting for you.

To be continued ....

Check Out: Our Walmart Life - Trippin in the Air Freshener Aisle